I miss the way it used to be.

Thoughts on social media addiction & the power of presence

On more than one occasion in the recent past, I have looked around the room and every single person in it has their head down, eyes locked on the screen.

In these moments I feel a rush of sadness. 

I feel a deep longing for the way it used to be. I feel an aching nostalgia for the days when human connection wasn’t complicated by social media and the constant distraction of our phones. I long for the feeling of childhood, when we played outside. When we only lived in the real world. 

My heart breaks every time I’m in the middle of a conversation and in the few seconds it takes to have a moment of silence between words, the person has picked up their phone and — poof — just like that. They’re gone. 

Suddenly, I’m in the room alone. 

I feel this sinking feeling in the center of my cody. I know, deep down, that we’re supposed to be doing this differently. 

 This is what I yearn for:

inspired, unplugged: mood board

We used to live in the world phone-free, relying on actual human connection for most of our lived experience.

And then one day — poof — just like that. We couldn’t go anywhere or do anything without our phones.

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“Addiction” is defined as not having control over doing, taking or using something to the point where it could be harmful to you. 

I know that social media use is linked to increased anxiety, disrupted sleep patterns, distorted self-perception, overconsumption, increased levels of cortisol (a stress hormone)in the body, chronic pain, and more. And even though I know that constantly being on my phone is causing harm to my body, my relationships, and my ability to show up fully in the world  — I am constantly on my phone.

“Not having control.” These words haunt me like a curse.

I have spent so much of my life learning and unlearning the intricacies of how to be free. I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of personal sovereignty —  the inherent power I have to determine my own direction and destiny.  

And yet, the apps override my deepest knowings, and I find myself — time and time again — doing the well-choreographed dance of endless scrolling, like a puppet on a string.

It is no secret that we are being controlled by the technology we use every single day. (I highly recommend watching The Social Dilemma on Netflix — a truly  harrowing documentary that explores the dangerous human impact of social networking and breaks down how we are, quite literally, being manipulated into shopping every time we open the apps.) 

Our attention didn’t just wander, it was led.

The Center for Humane Technology says, “These apps have been strategically designed to compel us to engage, based on our human instincts. These platforms, now even more powerful with artificial intelligence (AI), are created with the intention of maximizing our engagement and increasing their profit.”

Social media is controlling and manipulating us. Because the more you use it, the more money they make.

Human beings are giving social media so much of our attention that we’re slowly eroding our ability to pay attention — in other words, to be present — at all.

Presence is the gift of life. There is no better feeling, there is no other destination. Presence is the point of it all. 

For the last few years I’ve practiced taking social media breaks, so I can return to presence.  (This practice was inspired by Cody Cook Parrott, whose experiments with logging off helped me wake up to the reality of my social media addiction).

During my digital detoxes, I delete the apps, I tap back into reality, and — until I sign on again — I live only in the real world. Every time, I tap back into the wonder of it all, and it feels like coming home. 

During my time away from the screen, I’ve made some observations about when, and why, I reach for the phone.

• I reach for the phone when I am lonely.

• I reach for the phone when I want to decompress. 

• I reach for the phone when I want to be inspired.

• I reach for the phone to escape reality when I am depressed.

• I reach for the phone as a portal to intellectual stimulation, intimate connection, or a spark of creativity.

The one that concerns me most is that I reach for the phone to avoid feeling the fullness of my feelings. It’s a digital pacifier. I reach for the phone when I want to feel good, or I want to feel nothing,

Poof — just like that — the phone comes to whisk me away.

One moment I’m here. The next moment, I’m gone.

I can scroll for hours. Late into the night. Eyes burning. Knowing better. It’s a type of disassociation.

It makes sense, though. Reality is so hard to bear sometimes and it makes sense we want breaks from it.

And it’s not all garbage — Social media is a place of enjoyment, of representation. It has changed the way we organize for causes we believe in and make our voices heard. It’s a place where culture-shift happens, where we can learn things we wouldn’t otherwise have access to, where we can find people who share our complex identities and feel seen and understood.

It’s complex.

I don’t have systemic solutions, I only know that I have an increasing sense of urgency around my desire to get free from my addiction.

I want my loved ones  — especially the children — to be protected from the dire consequences of social technology. 

I want us to experience living in reality and feeling the fullness of everything there is to feel. I want us to notice more. I want us to be in awe of the beauty all around us. I want us to be fully available for human connection. I want us to be available to hear messages from God.

I want us to read books and make paintings. 

I want us to feel the aliveness of being in our bodies. 

I want us to find better ways than escaping reality as a way of decompressing.  I want us to live lives that are inspired, connected, and focused on who and what is right in front of us — who and what really matters.

In another letter, I’ll share some of the practices I do to have healthy boundaries with my phone.

Until then,

Take a deep breath.
And another. 
One more.

Thank you for being here,
-Jamila

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In September I’m hosting a 3-day digital detox experience called inspired, unplugged. It’s part digital detox, part adult sleepover, part creative retreat. This is for you if you want to:

• reconnect with your art practice in a focused and meaningful way

• experience authentic human connection

• have restorative, nourishing, energizing experiences

This is a space to collectively practice living a creative, connected life without the distraction of our phones.

There are 6 spots available, and you can learn more & find the application link here:

https://jamilareddy.me/courses/inspiredunplugged

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I do a lot of reading and research as I write. If you really want to nerd out with me about this, here are the articles I read in the process of writing this post:

• https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4756000/

• https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/addiction-what-is-it/ 

• https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/personal-sovereignty-barbara-fagan-smith

• https://www.humanetech.com/attention-mental-health https://www.racnj.com/the-five-stages-of-addiction-recovery/ 

• https://www.humanetech.com/key-issues#attention-economy