How to answer when someone asks "what do you need?"

Because "I'll let you know" ain't cutting it

This question used to haunt me.

In the wake of my sister’s death, the question “what do you need?” piled up like letters to the wrong address. There were days I could not feel my body. There were days I did not know who I was.

Answering a question about my needs felt like an impossible task.

Years went by, and I regained enough consciousness to think critically about what my needs actually were.

I decided to create a care guide for my chosen friends and family — a document that laid out ways to support me (and signs that I need support). It’s a way that I care for my future self: by not waiting until the house is on fire to get clear on how to put the flames out.

Excerpt from my care guide for chosen friends & family

In the depths of my struggle, being asked, “What do you need?” prompted me to search for what was lacking, which became another emotional burden to bear. I began translating “what do you need” into a different question: “What would feel nourishing to receive?”

When someone asks me what I need, I also consider the things that might bring comfort, ease, pleasure, or even delight. Sometimes, the question (or the self-judgment) of asking “Do I actually need that?” blocks me from having the courage to ask for it.

When someone asks me what I need, I know that my answer doesn’t have to be rooted in survival. It can include things that offer balance during moments of hardship.

For example: Do I need that pint of ice cream? No. Would eating said pint of ice cream in bed while knee-deep in a Netflix series bring me a moment of relief? Yes.

Do I need someone to do my laundry? No. Would not having to haul heavy-ass baskets to and from the laundry room in the basement make my day a little more pleasant? Yes.

Your needs don’t have to be limited to what you must have. They can be what would simply help you feel even just a little bit better.

And that’s okay too.

Questions to ask yourself to get clear on what help is helpful:

1. What signs, symptoms, and signals indicate that I am not doing well? How do I know when I need help?

2. What are my survival necessities?

3. What would create more ease in this moment?

4. What would bring me comfort, pleasure, or enjoyment?

5. What helps me feel well in my body, mind, and Spirit?

6. What are my responsibilities (for myself and others)?

Asking for things can be hard. Needing can be uncomfortable, especially for those of us who are used to being the givers, providers, and helpers.

On many occasions, needing help has disrupted my ego-identity. I pride myself on being “the strong friend” — someone who lightens loads, not creates them. Someone who brings peace instead of disruption. It’s taken work to dismantle my attachment to this role, and to give myself permission to be in the flow of reciprocity with others.

Knowing what I need requires me to release the fear of too-muchness. It requires me to ask,

If I were not afraid of being a burden — if I trusted that my people would show up for me enthusiastically and easily — what would I ask for?

Here are some things I’ve asked for in the last few months:

• Reminders/accountability (to move my body, to pay my taxes, to set up therapy appointments)

• Meals on days where capacity is low

• Acts of service (Can you call to schedule that appointment? Can you take that pile of clothes to Goodwill? Can you bring me coffee in bed? Can you give me a ride? Can you split the cost of housekeeping?)

• Company (for anything from dance parties to errands)

Something that helped me gain courage around asking for support is knowing that human beings like to feel needed. We all feel a sense of meaning and purpose from contributing to the livelihood and joy of others.

Like trees in a forest, we are part of an interconnected web. Our thriving does not happen without the support of others.

This is one of the greatest gifts of the human experience: to receive and provide care, to pour into each other knowing that the time will come when we will need some pouring in.

I hope this helps you get a little braver — and a little clearer — about asking for what you need.

Next time someone comes to you with this question, tell them something. Anything. And may you know that you, just as you are, are worthy to receive.

With love,
Jamila

PS: I wrote an essay with specific offerings people can make to support someone in the struggle. It’s a helpful guide for givers, but also for the strong friends to know what to ask for: