Confession: I Still Want External Validation
and I think that's okay
I know people would call this admission “cringe,” but it’s true.
I like it. And I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.
As a kid, I was thirsty for external validation because it gave me social capital. I begged my mama to let me get a perm in 6th grade, not because I wanted to be like the rest of the girlies, but because the girl who sat behind me on the bus kept pulling my afro puffs on the way to school, and I was sick of starting my day with violence.
I begged for the crispy white Air Force Ones in high school, not because I gave a damn about name brands, but because the sound of cacophonous collective laughter at my pink knockoff FUBU Timbs (that I also begged for and loved, mind you) had me shook.
I was (and still am) too sensitive for this type of embarrassment. Negative attention was overwhelming. Being a teenager was hard enough without getting clowned on the daily.
Outside of school wasn’t any better. In all of my extracurriculars — ballet, children’s choir, swim team, theater — I was often the only one, or one of few, Black children in the space. This shaped me in ways I am still unlearning. Because of my hyper-visibility, I felt the need to prove myself as worthy of being there, or be unperceived entirely.
It (unsurprisingly) wasn’t a sustainable practice. It was exhausting, constantly wearing a mask. I grew out of that, for the most part, but there are parts of my younger self that are still very much alive within me.
I am 37 years old, and I still need external validation to feel good about myself.
Writing this feels like a confession.
When I say validation, I mean: other people acknowledging the truth about me. I mean receiving affirmations and positive feedback.
Having kind words spoken about me lights me up in a very particular way, and I don’t think I should feel bad about that.
External validation is important to me not just because it feels good, but because it helps me feel safe.
When people reflect back my positive qualities, it is a reminder of my value. And sometimes, I be needing that reminder! I don’t judge myself for this. And, in fact, I don’t think anyone should.
When the people around me know and can clearly name the good things about me, I can relax knowing that I’m not disposable. I *create value*, and if I make things better, people are more likely to keep me around.
*In my Buddhist lineage, “value” is anything of beauty, gain, or benefit.
The idea of value creation was central to the philosophy of Tsunesaburo Makiguchi (1871–1944), first president of the Soka Gakkai; the name of the organization in fact means “society for the creation of value.”
Makiguchi’s ordering of what he saw as the essential categories of value: beauty, gain and good. Beauty indicates esthetic value, the positive sensory response evoked by that which we recognize as “beautiful.” Gain is what we find rewarding, in the broadest, most holistic sense; it includes but is not limited to the material conditions that make life more convenient and comfortable. Good is that which enhances and extends the well-being of an entire human community, making it a better and more just place for people to live.
YES: Seeking external validation of my value has, admittedly, led me down the dark and dangerous roads of people-pleasing and self-sacrifice. AND?
It also makes me feel really good.
When people affirm the value I create, I am reminded of my best qualities. I am reminded of the fact that I offer something beneficial to the spaces I’m in and to the people I’m around. External validation is just a mirror, helping me see on the outside what I feel to be true within.
Okay, okay… I might also have a praise kink.
There’s something about external validation that helps me show up as the baddest bitch.
Praise is what we offer to God as an act of gratitude. It’s an expression of admiration. It’s a way of honoring God’s greatness.
In a sexual context… I fucks heavily with that energy.
Like…I need you to be pressed about me.
There is nothing — and I tell you nothing — that dries me up faster than someone who doesn’t recognize that they are deeply blessed to be in my presence. If you have the privilege to touch me, to see my body, to be intimately in my energetic space… and you fail to give recognition of your good fortune?
Why are you even here?
I’m not here for nonchalance. I need to know that you get it. I need to know that you see me. Nina Simone sings, “Do I move you? The answer better be yes.”
I feel her.
I want to be admired, revered, appreciated.
Imagine showing up to a holy site and not feeling compelled to leave an offering?
External validation is a verbal cherry on top of my own self-perception.
When I throw down in the kitchen, I want everyone at the table to explain, in full detail, what they liked about the meal. I need Yelp-quality content.
When I persevere through hardship, I want everyone who saw me in the valley to celebrate with me that everything that tried to kill me??????? Failed.
When I put on a fly ass outfit, I want a little commotion for the dress.
I want to hear:
Your energy is beautiful.
You’re mad funny.
You’re so pure in heart.
They’re blessed to have you.
You encourage me.
You’re gorgeous.
PS: All of the affirmations above have come from actual people in my life, and I love that for me.
The problem is we live in a culture where likes and clicks hack our brain and we become addicted to the validation. We crave the dopamine hit of connection, even through a screen. Social media has ruined us in more ways than one. Comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s so easy to lose track of what really matters when you’re constantly bombarded with photos and videos of other people’s lives.
Where external validation becomes a problem is when it’s your only source of worth. It has to complement internal validation. It’s not the everyday nutrient; it’s the supplement.
There were days, years, when I could not see myself. I based my sense of self on what others saw in me.
My self-esteem was fragile — this whole house could crumble at the whim of a word.
When I was not validated, I had no internal reservoir to keep me going, and my self-worth ran dry.
When I was validated, I went through great lengths to keep up the good work. I wore myself out trying to maintain illusions.
Anais Mitchell has a devastatingly relatable song called Tailor. In it, she talks about all the ways she changed herself to become who she thought her lover wanted her to be.
I have made myself a tailor too many times to count.
I learned the hard way that what I think about myself can be strengthened by what others think of me, but it cannot be built on it.
External validation increases my capacity to see and value myself. And I think — when balanced with self-love — that’s a beautiful thing.
A need is distinguished from a desire by how much distress and negative consequences would come as a result of not having it.
If no one validated me… would that cause me distress?
Probably not. (Well, maybe a little. But not for long.)
Would it wear on me to constantly reinforce the construction of my self-worth? To singlehandedly hold myself up with a foundation sturdy enough to keep me safe from the world? Yeah.
It would.
It really would.
I *love* this framing: "I learned the hard way that what I think about myself can be strengthened by what others think of me, but it cannot be built on it" because I also enjoy external validation and honestly I've felt bad about enjoying it...
Also, the part about, "nothing dries me up faster than someone who doesn’t recognize that they are deeply blessed to be in my presence" is a WORD!! 😂
This is so so real! I resonated with many parts of this. Specifically need external validation to feel safe. So real.